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[03 Feb 2007|12:34am] |
i missed shabbat 1000, but I'm not as dissappointed. I just don't feel like I belong anymore, even though I was the one who planned it last year. But I just dont really feel like I'm a part of the jewish community here anymore. I'm not in a sorority/frat and it's much harder to make Jewish friends. Hope Shabbat 1000 went well.
I know he's got alot going on, as do we all. But that's it, no more effort coming from my part. We have our own lives now and I'm tired of trying and trying only to feel like I've made a fool of myself. again. If he want's this to last like he said six years ago, then I'd like to see some effort. I dont think thats too much to ask. Maybe even when its not absolutely convenient or when you need something.
I needed somewhere to complain. People compliment the fact that I dont complain about my life too much. Its just not out loud.
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[16 Nov 2006|10:53am] |
i just would like to burst out crying, smoke a joint, and then go to sleep, and not set an alarm. i want to come home after class today and clean the kitchen. we've been so busy this week that we're eating out of tupper ware and skillets. i want to do the dishes, put on pajamas and get in bed and sleeeeeeeeeeeepppppp. i'm excited that its thursdsay with almost no week ahead of me because i'm getting really frustrated, tired, sleepy, and physically sick.
fuck,
*a
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[31 Oct 2006|01:42am] |
i'm feeling like i'm a waste. of space, time, oxygen, etc. just a waste right now.
i'm thinking about applying to be a coop with nasa, so i would go to school one semester and work one semester at a time. any opinions? some things to consider:
almost guaranteed job after graduation
moving back and forth every semester
the pain in the ass housing situation
the great projects coops get to work on
working consul in mission control
moving away from austin/houston friends every few months
takes longer to graduate
ack.
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[09 Oct 2006|07:04pm] |
i feel like i'm starting to get sick which sucks. just in time for four midterms.
i like engineering. alot. i'm excited about the feeling that i get when i think about working at NASA, or about the things i do in school. i just wish we could have a three day weekend or something before thanksgiving. geez.
talking to him is absolutely heartbreaking now. not for me. its not even that important to me that i might not ever see him again. but rather, i'm heartbroken for the life that he will have from now on. the restricted, unwanted life. and i think the guy sitting next to me in the aerospace lab right now is wearing that same cologne.
dont i sound like a stalker.
t minus four minutes and i'm out for physics lab, statics homework, getting cracked out and studying for calculus for the next 72 hours.
so watch out.
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[04 Aug 2006|03:47pm] |
so work has gotten crazy all of a sudden. freaking ridiculous, i'm completely swamped with meetings and people to call. its great, i'm finally doing something productive.
school is over next week. thats right, overrrrrrrr. time to have a life again. for about two weeks.
so i guess things will be ending with that certain someone in a few weeks. i think we both seem to be taking that well, glad we didnt get too serious about it. at ethics training, they were talking about how its not illegal but they advise you not to date coworkers because if you break up it could damage your time at work or something. *smirk*. haha.
.........that's about it.
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| wow |
[21 Jul 2006|01:05pm] |
so little three month update?
In houston, working full time, going to school at night. kind of social suicide but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
James called to tell me he just doesn't like me anymore. that i'm becoming too much like Lindsey, and he just doesnt really want to hang out with me anymore. ouch.
A little over a month of summer left, where has it all gone? geez. I'm ready to go back to school, but seriously this summer has gone by quickly.
I've decided to stick with engineering after all. I like it too much, that if i switched to anything else i'd regret it for the rest of my life. its too bad i'll be in college until i'm probably about thirty, but oh well. hopefully it'll be worth it and i'll be building some badass planes when i finish.
work and school have been taking a toll on my social life (See above with people not liking me anymore). i dont really hang out with anyone anymore, which needs to change. once school is over with i'll have two weeks to see people, so I'll try my hardest to make those two weeks incredible.
Life is kind of monotonous. busy, but monotonous. fourteen hour work/school days plus two hours of driving everyday is starting to wear me out. I complain about this alot, and i know i got myself into it, but damn.
yeah, so thats about my life. super-interesting.
*a
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[15 Apr 2006|12:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
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i dont know how much longer i can keep waiting for you to say its finally over and we can be friends again. i dont know how much longer i'll be able to hold on, keeping that promise we once made each other, so many years ago. I found your old letters today. I guess i made you that promise, so i'll have to keep waiting. i hope you remember that too.
in other news, i'm in houston.
i'm not an addict by any means, its not a habit or anything, but i must say i've thought about repetition.
ready to be done with school, move back home, start work. cuz sometimes it just be like damn.
i dont want to be in a relationship right now. just thought i'd make that clear. and unattached hookup or two doesnt sound so bad, but somehow the word 'unnattached' seems to go unnoticed. i want to be alone, single, and free to do what i want to do for a while. no relationship, do you understand me? thought i'd make that clear if there are any prospective inquirers out there reading this. i'm not trying to be mean at all. i'm not very good at putting my expressions (especially the negatice ones) into verbal use. i'm bad at turning people down. and not that i'm some boy magnet and all the guys want me or something, because that isnt happening at all. but i want to be alone.
this entry is kind of harsh. kind of feel like i'm being a bitch lately. but sometimes i put up with people too much, and people know that i dont get mad and take advantage of it.
ok, i'm just babbling because i dont want to go to sleep.
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| i was laughing forever. my kind of humor |
[28 Mar 2006|12:57am] |
1.) What's your fav type of colour?
Anything dark
All the brigt colours!
Pale colours
Who cares...What the hell does that have to do with my attitude??
2.) Someone you dont feel like talking to comes up to you and askes if they can speak to you for a minute. You say...?
First, let me ask you this....GO AWAY!
No because there's still another 2,857,688 days until i care about what you think.
I cant hear you. My minds like a banana tree filled with monkeys clattering for my attention.
Gee, i'd like to listen to what you think but i dont possess that gene.
3.) Even after what you have only just said they start speaking to you anyway. You...?
You just look at them for a few seconds and then say... Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
Stare at them like they're stupid, just before interupting them and saying...shhhh, thats the sound of no one caring what you think.
Walk off while shouting I cant hear you the voices in my head are fighting again.
Just stand there looking blankly at them and then ask.. are you necassary?
4.) After saying what you felt you had to say you walk away. But they are so desperate to say whatever it is they want to say that they continue you to speak while walking after you. What do you do...?
Well this has been fun, infact i haven't had this much fun since the last time i ate a lightbulb. Bye.
You just turn cooly to them look them right in the eyes and say...i like pointy things.
Right ok thanks for whatever that was supposed to be. You ridiclous little opinion has been noted.
Why dont you just slip into something a little more comfortabel...Like a coma.
5.) Finally, just pick a comment from below.
If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
Can we ever truly know when our philosophy assignment is due?
I like my men/women how i like my coffe...Ground up and in the freezer.
Live as long as you want...It wont shorten how long your dead.
My result was that i'm sarcastic. big surprise.
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[23 Mar 2006|08:45pm] |
i'm hollow. thats the perfect word. he said it and it just clicked. i'm hollow, and i'm relying and falling back on things i wouldn't usually do. yes, one night doesnt change anything. two nights dont change anything. but i'm hollow and empty and dry.
do you ever just...never mind.
ugh.........
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[15 Feb 2006|01:03pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
] |
i'm torn.
between too many decisions to make, whether or not to stay here, go there, stay with you, leave.
I dont know if you're with me, against me, etc. insert other preposition in blank. __________. I'm tired of being talked down too, like I'm still your little elementary school child with missing teeth. You dont have to use small words around me and walk around on your fragile tippy toes, afraid that you might say something too smart for me. I'm really trying to stand up for myself, but i'm not very good at it. I dont want your smirks, your little laughs, and those 'of course' looks you give me as if you're not even giving me a chance. and i'm tired of it. I'm tired of you. I've been lying on the ground letting you walk over me, but now i'm just tired of it and want to stand up and push you down.
i'm torn.
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[06 Feb 2006|02:39pm] |
when you try so hard that you can't succeed........
and the tears come streaming down [my] face.......
coldplay.
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| my ass |
[28 Jan 2006|10:09pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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| [ |
music |
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50 cent |
] |
So I got a box of fruit by the foot. and I was eating one just now and staring at the box. In HUGE letters it say "6 FEET OF FUN!!!!!!!!!" so i'm like wow thats alot of fun. so I unrolled the whole fruit by the foot to see if it was really that long and it really wasnt at all, which I have to admit was a little disappointing. So I looked back at the box and in tiny letters above the "6 FEET OF FUN!!!!!!!!" it says "peel in half for...[6 FEET OF FUN!!!!!]".
what the fuck?
Why dont you just write "peel in 20 parts for 60 FEET OF FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
bitch.
I can only imagine how a little kid would feel.
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[06 Jan 2006|10:55am] |
to break it down, I think i've been replaced. by you, you, you, you, you, and you. replaced. its that simple. replaced with something inanimate.
I wish I just could learn to care as little about them as they care about me.
Abby and I kind of made plans to hang out at some point. I hope that works out. That would be nice.
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| further |
[29 Dec 2005|08:36pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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clay aiken |
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i'm scared.
for a lot of things.
i'm worried about whats happening to me.
i dont remember the last time i went two consecutive days without crying.
i'm scared that i'm losing friends. again.
i'm scared that i'm sinking further into this terrible whirlpool of mixed emotions and depression, and i'm not quite sure that i know exactly how to get back out.
i'm scared.
i'm scared that i've learned too well how to cover it up.
i'm scared that i'd rather just spend new year's eve alone.
i'm scared that i just dont care anymore.
i'm scared that i'm becoming apathetic to my life.
i'm scared that i dont care for it anymore.
fuck.
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[14 Dec 2005|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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things are really falling apart. I'm really a complete mess. I dont
know whats happening with me. It sounds a little exxagerated, but god
its so true.
Yes, I went into it knowing it would be hard and that I wouldn't be at
the top or doing well even. I just wasn't expecting to start failing my
classes.
and believe me I tried. God how I tried. I did everything. And I'm just
not cut out for this. I can't.
Someone suggest what else I can do. Because I'm obviously doing something/everything wrong.
I'm already starting to give up.
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[14 Dec 2005|12:38pm] |
what the hell happened?
I cant figure out what the FUCK is wrong with me.
seriously, what the fuck.....
I'm completely speechless, other than all the damn crying. and all i can say is what the fuck.
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[14 Dec 2005|12:03am] |
holy shit my chem final starts in nine hours. I dont know what i'm doing posting here, but honestly, i've been studying for the last four days (i literally lived alone at starbucks since friday). I'm hoping that just writing all this out will calm me down, because right now i'm on the verge of a panic attack, as always.
i need to figure out a way to chill out more.
ok. i think i'm going to go read the review, sleep, get up, and own this bitch.
here i go.
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| food |
[12 Dec 2005|12:27pm] |
cheryl and I just went to the Hillel brunch for a while. I think part of the reason that I dont have any friends here is that i'm not really trying to make friends. So i tried. I went there. I stayed for a while. I guess it'll just take some more time.
*a
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[10 Dec 2005|10:41pm] |
i need to leave. right now. no questions. i just need to leave.
can i please borrow someone's car?
i just need to get out of here for a night. i'll be back in the morning.
i promise.
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[05 Dec 2005|11:01pm] |
I'm about to lose it.
There are just a few little things on my mind that are all building up together.
I have a chemistry exam in two days but I feel like I dont really know anything.
I dont have a calculus book to study for the final- yes, that is a $150 book. And I'm pretty sure this guy has it in his room (yes, I know its my fault in the first place for leaving it there), but he says he doesnt have it and I can't really prove that he does. Which means that I have to buy a new calculus book...this week.
I have four finals, and based on my calculations, my GPA this semester is......a whopping 2.69.
I'd like to just drop out of life.
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